The Silent Treatment

I think that it’s in human nature to become quiet when something is bothering us, rather than to talk about things. Most often, you find that you get and give the silent treatment when you are upset about something.

I find that being silence is actually just a way for me to gather my feelings before I make any rash decisions or accusations.

But what if you are receiving the silent treatment, what then?

I suggest that attempt to contact the other couple and set up a time where you can all meet in a non-threatening environment. If you truly can not understand or imagine what is wrong, then you can even meet somewhere of their choosing.

Make the silent couple as comfortable as possible.

If you’re receiving the silence from your partner, you can do the same. Of course, most partners are able to talk things over when they begin to feel upset. But if something has happened, make sure to find time to talk.

Usually once you get everyone talking about what has been making them feel bad, you will be able to solve the issues and move on.

Jealousy And You

Being in a swinging relationship implies that you are working toward fantasies while still keeping your spouse as number one. However, in the beginning especially, you may feel as though your partner is having too much fun.

Again, you need to talk about it.

Say everything that is one your mind. Sometimes it helps to write it all down and then read it to your partner so that you remember everything.

Set up a situation in which they can only listen and not respond until you are completely done.

And when you are done, let them speak. You partner will probably reassure you and work with you to find ways to show you that they care for you more than anything.

Jealousy that goes unspoken is the harmful kind. In a solid relationship, it’s just a stepping stone that can be moved beyond.

When The Other Couple Changes Their Mind

Like in all relationships, there may come a point when things just aren’t working out for whatever reason. And you may want to move on for the sake of everyone involved.

This doesn’t have to be a difficult transition when you think of what you have gained from your interaction. Perhaps you have just learned all that you needed to learn.

Don’t take it personally. Say your goodbyes and wish each other well.

Of course, if you feel as though you would like to move to a different couple, then be sure to tell the current couple as soon as possible. You all want to be in the most supportive environment that you can be in.

So be sure to openly talk about the possibility.

Swinging is just like any relationship and it can have high points and low points. The trick is that you need to treat it like any other relationship—with respect and genuine concern for each other’s welfare.

Is there a certain etiquette to finding more than one swinging group?

Sorting It Out

Although this might sound like a broken record at this point, the main way to figure out this dilemma is to talk to the other couple about it. See what their ideas and their concerns might be.

Many of the times, you will find that swinging is actually a lot more open that you even imagined it, so things aren’t as sticky as they might seem to be.

Because you’re already in an open relationship, you may want to have this discussion before you even begin swinging. Talk about the possibility of it, and it won’t become anything that’s a secret.

Secrets and lies are where all relationships can fall apart, including swingers.

Also, if you find that the other couple has been swinging for longer, they may have already found another couple to spend their time with—although you should have found this out before.

Making sure that everyone is on the same page is the best way to ensure that no one feels like they or you are hiding anything.

If The Other Couple Isn’t Okay With It

You may find that the other couples (for whatever reason) is not interested is having you look for additional couples. And there are a few ways to look at this kind of reaction.

One, the other couple may still be feeling insecure about swinging in general, so they need some sort of ‘commitment’ to feel better. This is fairly common in the early stages of swinging—especially with beginners. Respect their decision, but feel free to bring it up again in the future.

Two, the other couple seems to want to be more controlling of the swinging relationship. They have a lot of rules or guidelines that ‘need’ to be followed exactly. Although there is a fine line between having an agreement and being overly controlling, you want to stop if you feel this vibe going on.

Do you feel as though you aren’t participating in the relationship as much? If so, this can be a sign of the other couple’s over-control and a sign that you may want to stop the relationship.

Swinging is for everyone in the group to enjoy and not be a one-sided adventure.

Control can lead to a darker side to a relationship, and you just don’t need that in your life.

When it comes down to it, talking out your feelings with the other couple is best. You don’t want to have them hear about anything through another couple. You will have destroyed the trust that you have built.

And if it just seems like it’s something that you can’t agree on, end that relationship, and move on. No hard feelings.

But why is this?

All Shapes And Sizes

If you’re going a lot of swingers clubs or events, then you’re bound to realize that no one is perfect. In fact, you’ll see that many swingers are just your normal, everyday people.

We’re not all models or erotic dancers.

We’re teachers and retirees, factory workers and secretaries. We’re just your everyday people who like to enjoy swinging.

And by looking around and realizing that anyone and everyone can be beautiful, you’re well on your way to seeing how you fit into the grand scheme of things. Just fine, thank you.

Breaking The Stereotypes

When you realize that other swingers can look just like you, you begin to see that what is beautiful isn’t what we’ve been told necessarily.

What is pleasing to one person doesn’t apply to everyone. Men don’t always like big breasts or flat stomachs. Women aren’t searching for hard abs or massive shoulders.

Each of the genders can appreciate the other for who they are.

When you’re accepting your role in a swinging relationship, you’re showing another couple who you really are. And it’s your personality and your willingness to share yourself with others that really turns people on.

It’s not the size of your waist or the lift in your buttocks; it’s the fact that you love your partner so much that you want to share everything with him or her.

Seeing The Strength

As you progress in your swinging relationship, you will find that you constantly have feelings of overwhelming love for your partner. Not only have you both conquered some fears (probably), but you’ve also been able to share yourselves with another loving couple.

Realizing that your commitment is strong enough to start and continue such a transition will solidify your marriage or relationship.

And that in turn makes you feel better about yourself. You walk with your head held up high and with an air of confidence. You are an amazing person with an amazing partner—and no one can touch that.

Your body image will be positively affected by a swinging lifestyle, but that’s not all you can do. Focus on the good aspects of your body and celebrate that on your own.

And soon you’ll hear that little voice in your head tell you you’re hot all the time.

If you’re in a weaker relationship in which you fight or lack communication skills, then you may not want to attempt couples swapping just yet.

Work on your relationship first before adding something else to the turbulent pot. Going to a marriage or couples counselor can be the best way to get your communication back on track.

And as for the rest of you that are jumping into couples swapping from a strong relationship platform, you’re in luck.

Just Gets Stronger

When you’re confidant about you relationship, you’re ready for whatever challenges lie ahead of you. It could be illness or the loss of a loved one, but no matter what, you stand beside each other and support them.

When you enter into the world of swinging, you will find that your limits as to what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ may be tested. If one of you was brought up in a religious setting, you may have feelings of guilt.

Talk through these to see if they are founded in anything that can be worked out.

Perhaps you are concerned that someone else in the swinging relationship will look better or be more appealing than you—talk about it.

The beauty of an already strong relationship is that you have a track record for being honest and open, so there’s no need to feel that it will change when the conversation turns to swinging.

And if you can talk about having sex with someone else, then whoever’s turn it is to do the dishes becomes a lot less difficult.

Commitment

A lot of beginning couples to swinging are concerned that their commitment to each other will be altered with the addition of another person. If anything, this commitment is strengthened by the presence of someone else.

How so

Not only are you arriving with your partner, having talked about exploring swinging together, but you are also giving each other permission to enjoy personal fantasies.

And at the end of the evening, you go home with each other because you are a partnership, a committed partnership.

Knowing that your partner always comes back to you makes your relationship stronger. There’s no need to worry about them running off with anyone because they’ve been given the chance, but didn’t take it.

Marriages that are already strong, but are looking for something to spice up their sexual relations, are a great way to start couples swinging. Not only is swinging exciting and arousing, but it also uncovers any last dark corners of your relationship and shows you how strong you really are.

Talking To Each Other

The main glue that holds any relationship together is communication. Without the ability to talk, you won’t be able to sort out problems as they occur or prevent ones from happening.

And in terms of sharing sexual fantasies—well that will never happen if you’re too embarrassed or self-conscious.

A lot of people will blame the problem of non-communication on the male in the relationship, but it’s simply not true. When couples don’t talk, it’s both of the partners’ problems.

Actually, a lot of women remain quiet because they’ve learned to not ‘rock the boat’ in terms of saying things that may be less than favorable.

But this isn’t the time to worry about being gentle, you need to be honest.

Talk about your concerns and what MIGHT make you jealous before you even get into a couples swapping relationship.

And If I Feel Jealous After Everything Has Begun?

This is also completely normal to go through when you’ve just started couples swapping. Women especially are prone to feelings of low self worth when put into ‘competition’ with another woman.

Of course, once she realizes that she’s still number one to her partner, her confidence will grow.

But until that time, you will want to set up regular talks about how you’re feeling in the swinging relationship. Is there something that might help one of the partners feel more secure?

Many times couples can choose s signal or some sort of way to show each other their devotion.

It can be something as simple as making sure to caress and touch their partner before going off with another partner. You may also decide that you want to reserve certain actions (kissing on the lips, for example) for just the two of you.

This keeps that act a special moment reserved for your commitment to each other.

Is Jealousy Healthy?

Surprisingly enough, a certain degree of jealousy is healthy for a relationship because it naturally leads to a discussion of the importance of commitment. And it can lead to each partner revealing the depth of their love for each other.

Jealous can cause you to step back and revaluate your place in your partnership. It can point out the strengths and uncover the positive parts.

When it becomes unhealthy is when it’s used as a tool against the other person.

You don’t want to try to make someone jealous as that can be seen as some sort of test to a relationship. And that’s not the point of couples swapping. Your relationship should already be strong—constantly challenging each other does not help.

Couples swapping does not need to include jealousy, but if it should become an issue, take a breath and talk about it. It’s usually just a bump along the way, not a road block.

Suddenly, it can feel like a first date all over again. And it should in many respects. You want to impress the other couple, while also seeing if you can get along.

Before you go

Setting up a meeting in a non-sexual environment is the best place to begin. If you’ve met in a swingers club, you still want to take this step to see the other couple in a more ‘normal’ setting.

Talk about where you both want to meet. You may want to find somewhere  that will allow you to talk openly without worrying about others listening.

It’s time to look pretty now. Men, you need to look nice. This means dress shoes and dress pants. You can wear a nice shirt as well. I don’t think that a jacket or tie is necessary, unless the restaurant or meeting place is more upscale.

And for the women, you will want to dress to impress. Don’t be afraid to show off your best assets, without looking too provocative. Again, the setting can help to determine what you will want to wear. You want to blend in with everyone else.

Take showers (I hope that I didn’t have to say that) and wear a little cologne or perfume. Women, put on nice makeup and jewelry. Men, take the time to trim your facial hair (if you have any). Arrive on time.

When you’re there

You’ve all sat down, ordered some drinks and are starting to talk. At this point, you generally want to talk about everyday things—your jobs, your families, etc. If you feel uncomfortable sharing something, then you don’t have to. What’s important at this stage is seeing how you communicate.

If you’re sitting in silence, then it might not be a good sign for a swinging relationship. Likewise, if you can only talk to each other while drinking heavily, that too may not be a good sign. Watch the alcohol during the first few meetings.

You will generally be able to see if this is a couple for you because you’ll feel like friends, rather than strangers. And if it doesn’t work out, that’s okay, but be clear if you’re not interested at that point.

If all goes well…

This is the point where your open communication will come into play. If you’re feeling good about each other and you want more, then start talking about it.

Talk about what you want in a swinging relationship and see where the conversation goes. You may make plans for a more private meeting the next time.

Discuss rules that you may want to make and the terms of protection (both birth and STD) for everyone. This is no time to be shy, especially when you’re talking about your health and the health of someone else.

If you’re satisfied with your talk, then you can figure out your next meeting.

But there’s this little voice in the back of your head that’s telling you that it’s wrong somehow or that there has to be a catch because it sounds too good to be true. Let’s talk about what you can get out of swinging, because you may not know the facts.

Confidence

Confidence isn’t just about feeling good about what you look like or how much money you make. Confidence is about being secure in the person that you are.

Swinging can help you with this. If you’re been thinking about swinging for a while, you’ve probably put it off because you weren’t sure if another couple would like you or if you were open enough.

Let me tell you, after the first swinging experience, you will feel much more confident as the person that you are. Sometimes it just helps to jump in.

If you already think of yourself as a sexual person, then you may be confident in your abilities, but with another person, you might feel timid. You get used to your partner and what they like. When you’re with someone else, you can be hesitant.

Swinging teaches you to trust the person that you are and what you think someone else might like. You will be surprised at how right you can be. Talk about increasing your self-confidence…

Another side of confidence

But it doesn’t just stop at thinking that you’re some sort of sexual god or goddess. In terms of your current relationship, you will feel that being with another person only shows how deep your commitment truly is.

You can share these amazing experiences with someone else, but still love your partner. And they still love you.

Confidence in your own relationship is a plus of swinging.

Communication

Being able to communicate with your partner probably helped you with trying swinging to begin with. You sat down with each other and talked openly about what you wanted to do.

But after you’ve begun swinging, then you realize that you’re able to talk even more. Maybe you realize something about your current relationship that needs fixing.

After talking about having sexual relations with another person, these minor issues seem like nothing. And knowing that you can talk about anything will help you to get to the real problem and solve it without being judgmental. Of course, if you had communication problems to begin with, swinging can make you shut down even further.

Fun

There’s no doubt that swinging is fun and can give you a fresh perspective on your sexual relationship with your partner. Be up front about things that you’d like to try.

As silly as it sounds, you can even make a list (private, of course) for the both of you and cross off ‘adventures’ as you experience them. The list will grow longer, no doubt, so make sure to update it often.

If you’re looking to live out your own fantasies without any regard for the other people involved, then you might want to reconsider.

What swinging can do for you

When you’re in a stable relationship for a while, it’s normal to feel a sense of longing for something different. It isn’t because you love the other person less, but that you are just wondering what the feel of another’s skin would be like or how other fantasies might play out.

One of the ways to find out if you’re ready to try swinging is the manner in which you discuss the idea with your partner. If you’re having a difficult time broaching the subject, then you may not be ready.

If you have open lines of communication and a genuine respect for each other, then you won’t necessarily have a hard time talking to each other. Swinging has helped a lot of already strong couples become even stronger.

By sharing a new sexual experience with another person with your partner’s full knowledge, you may find that you can talk more freely about anything.

Confidence is another thing that’s often reported after a swinging experience.

You and your partner can go off and have a wonderful and satisfying adventure, but still come back to the partner that you love and want to spend your time with.

Swinging can also show you about yourself and the things that you are willing to try. Many women find that they are more about relating to other women. Of course, men need to realize that living out the fantasy of watching two women together is not something that always happens.

So, settle down boys.

What swinging will not do for you

Swinging is not a cure for a shaky relationship. It might seem like a great way to change up the relationship dynamics and infuse life into your marriage.

And it might for a while. But if communication is an issue or feeling of jealousy, swinging can not help. In fact, it may help to hasten the demise of your relationship.

Swinging also does not guarantee that you will be able to satisfy all of your fantasies. If you like to explore humiliation or other demeaning acts, then you are not necessarily in the right place.

Much of the enjoyment of swinging comes from being respective of another couple and allowing them the opportunity to enjoy their fantasies as they allow you yours.

Swinging is not for everyone. You may find that the fantasy is not the same as real life, or that the fantasy was enough. Do a little research before you dismiss it entirely, but realize that ‘no’ means ‘no’ and if your partner just isn’t interested, then you must oblige their wishes.

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How do you meet another couple to explore swinging in an up close and personal way?

Finding the perfect fit

Being honest with each other as a couple will help you to determine what you want from your swinging experience. Are there certain fantasies that you’d like to enjoy together or separately?

Knowing exactly what you want will help to map out a lit of things that you’re looking for in another couple. Finding a couple that shares these fantasies is the ideal, but finding a couple that is open to trying new things will be too.

And what exactly are you as a couple open to outside of your own fantasies? Swinging isn’t just about you, so you want to make sure that you’re able to help another couple enjoy themselves as well. Are there things that are important to you? If so, keep these in mind when choosing another couple.

Where to go

Online swinger websites are the best way to hook up with other swingers in and around your area. You can confidentially talk with other interested couples to see if you’re compatible. And if not, you can discreetly move on.

Perhaps you want to try a swingers club. These can be found through word of mouth or also through online resources. Going to your local adult book store can also lead you to publications about swinging.

Take your time to look at all of the possibilities in looking for a swinging couple. And don’t give out your personal information until you’re comfortable with them.

Now that you’ve met…

So now that you’ve found a couple, what do you do now? This is especially confusing for those first-timers out there, but there’s no need to worry.

Talk with each other about a non-sexual meeting place so that you can all get the chance to know each other a bit better. See if you get along. If you’ve met in a swingers club, then you may not have had a chance to see how you communicate.

Take this time to be honest about what you are expecting and what you do not want from a swinging experience. Much like meeting any new people, watching body language will help you to see if things are going well, or if they aren’t. And if you all get along, then you can begin to talk about meeting up for a more personal conversation. Or lack thereof.

Much like interviewing for a job, you want to look for another couple whose interests match yours and with whom you can talk openly about what is working and what isn’t. This is no time to be shy.

And if you feel that it isn’t going to work out, then that’s okay too. There are plenty of other couples looking for people just like you.

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