Honesty and openness are vital to a good relationship. However, they are not sufficient for a great relationship.

Other attributes such as being pretty or handsome, lovely, cute, charming, etc., are common and get the relationship started. However, over time, these traits fade in terms of motivation to keep the relationship going forward. If there aren’t some strong values and interests that you both have, then the relationship is doomed to either separation or unhappiness. (Some people value a trophy wife or subserviant maid, and if that’s enough for you, then disregard the rest of this.)

It’s my goal in this article to address the above issues in the context of having a Thai girlfriend. I know this article has a lot yet to be written on the cultural elements, but human nature is pretty much the same everywhere, and I wish to emphasize those elements which I see as key elements over and over with guys I know who have Thai girlfriends and wives, and issues I’ve had over and over myself.

By “relationship”, I don’t necessarily mean a wife. There are relationships where both sides find each other interesting and mutually benefit and learn for awhile. Some Thai ladies like to learn the foreigner ways, just as you may find Thai culture and its differences from your own to be interesting. Many Thai ladies also benefit from exposure to the lifestyle of a foreigner due to his higher spending power. They go to nice places for dining and entertainment, watch expat friends in action, and basically you’re a “walking farang entertainment center”.

But what’s in it for you?

• “Love” and affection
• Assistance in living in Thailand where you learn things (translations, explanations)
• Homemaking (laundry, shopping, good food), save you time and hassle
• Work – outside income or helps you with your business
• Intellectual input and stimulation (analysis from a different perspective, news, research, etc.)
• Sex
• Loyalty and security (especially during times of financial or other difficulty, though you might get dumped during financial hard times)

Homekeeping and work may be inversely proportional. If she works, then you should have a maid, though she should manage the maid if you live in Thailand.

The usual woman’s story is that her boyfriend/husband is a “butterfly” (“chao-choo”) and that’s why it failed. Blame the man. Save her own face. In Thailand, saving face is very important, and even if she’s not telling the whole story, maybe it’s better to accept being as the scapegoat and moving on. To do otherwise, and make her lose face, may be dangerous.

However, the question is this: If the man is a butterfly, then why? Is it his fault or her fault for him being unfaithful?

Maybe he’s a stupid man who just goes after young, pretty, sexy girls with little value for other traits. If so, then why does he want a girlfriend, as valuing sexual variety is incompatible with having a girlfriend. She’s also made a mistake in choice of mate. Notably, I don’t think that all the sex entertainment is too much of a temptation for a marriage, as a man really doesn’t get quality fulfillment from entertainment girls, and if he desires to partake, he really shouldn’t take them seriously, either, just a ****-and-forget fling for a couple of hours or so, and he’s stupid if he’s not discreet enough.

However, when it comes to a serious relationship on the side, often it’s her fault for not earning her mate’s loyalty.

Here is a common experience in Thailand: A man meets a lady. He gets serious because she expresses that she has common interests. He tries her out for a partner in life’s daily things, and she gets an opportunity. What happens?

Once she thinks she’s “got him” (after the first few weeks, maybe a month or so), she expects him to take care of her, while she does less and less to take care of him … or herself. She sits around watching TV, yacking on the phone with friends, and reading trash magazines. On Internet, she doesn’t do valuable things but wastes time on surfing elsewhere, e-mail with worthless friends and chat. Trivial fun is fine, and everyone does it themself just like everyone else. But not all the time. It must be mixed with worthwhile, fulfilling activities.

Most ladies in prostitution have at least one child and no husband — a boyfriend or husband who just walked away and takes no financial or other responsibility. They are single parents. (I might question their choice of boyfriend/husband, but I’ve made foolish choices of girlfriend in my life, too, when I was a teenager.)

I have a huge amount of respect for prostitutes who save money and not only leave the profession permanently with no desire to return, but who also try to improve their life, e.g., by working to help their husband as homemaker or starting their own business such as selling clothes on the street or opening their own salon or whatever. There are many of these ex-prostitutes.

However, most prostitutes are lazy and just live day to day.

I’m convinced that the select population of career prostitutes are those who have certain personality tendencies.

Look at how they get introduced into the trade, who stays, vs. who doesn’t follow thru or who quits soon thereafter. Many, many ladies have a trusted childhood friend who has a lot of money from prostitution, has become more sophisticated, and helps their family (usually).

This childhood friend often introduces more ladies from the village to the trade. Some friends turn away immediately when they see how she’s making her money, and some others may try it once and quit. Others will slowly try it but stay for awhile, hopefully finding a rich foreign boyfriend. However, some try it and dive right in enthusiastically!

Those who stay tend to be extroverted, sensational rather than intuitive, lazy and don’t think much. For example, they often like to gamble. Gambling and prostitution are often associated with each other because they are both thrill activities. Not far away is usually drugs. These people will not occupy themselves with self-improvement activities, but will just take the next reactive, easy thrill.

The typical prostitute will never run a business of her own, or even do the home laundry or dishes. Anything that requires self-discipline and real work is not something they’re going to do. They will sit around and watch TV all day until it’s time to go to the go-go bar or pickup joint to get screwed — “make money on their backs”. Even if factories paid more, they would not go work there.

These ladies have no purpose in life, and if they’re not getting screwed then they will be vegetating in front of the TV or hanging around playing cards and gambling. So they may as well provide the occasional relief that some busy guys need.

From the Thai perspective, their main purpose in life is to serve working men by providing sexual entertainment, to bring skilled foreign men and tourist money into Thailand, and to bring their money into the countryside.

The differences in education and experiences between the man and the lady is often vast.

People’s personalities don’t change. Maybe the children of prostitutes will become more productive members of society (especially if they’re raised in a different environment), but the prostitutes themselves will not, in the vast majority of cases.

The difference between a typical prostitute and a typical mainstream lady are like night and day. (However, you have exceptions in both categories.)

A lot of foreigners consider paying 1000 baht for sex to be cheap, and they don’t care what the lady does with it. I look at it this way: The typical university graduate starts at a salary of around 10,000 baht per month, or 500 baht per DAY.

Why should guys be paying ladies that kind of money to lay on their backs and spread their legs? Look at how a lot of those ladies blow money — taking taxis instead of buses, partying with friends, and so on. If they were sending the money home, that’s different. The choosy ones don’t get a customer every day, so they get a higher “consultant’s pay scale”. When I do people watching, and talk with ladies, these are the kinds of things that go thru my mind, and perhaps my own moral judgements / opinions.

In any case, it’s a free world out there, and as long as they aren’t bothering anyone else, and all this is consensual private business, then live and let live. Wildlife. Animal Planet: Showcase Sukhumvit. It’s their background, subculture/personality, and realistic profession options. At least they’re contributing some service to the GNP as entertainers (and exporting for foreign cash influx) instead of sitting at home watching TV and mooching off of siblings.

It’s sometimes also easier for me when I’m with a friend or two, warmed up in conversation mode already, and where the focus isn’t so intense on one person. Having several people around can create a constantly flowing dynamic.

In mainstream nightspots, a Thai male friend at the ladies’ table may make the initial contact because the girls are too shy, or a waiter/waitress will bridge the communication in a playful way. However, nightspots are a risky source for a longterm girlfriend.

It’s difficult for a tourist to meet a mainstream lady while on a short trip to Thailand. It’s much better to live here a long time, whereby the ladies see the guy as here long enough to get to know first, less risk of the usual problems of long distance relationships, and you get a better selection over time.

As this is not an option for so many guys, I get a lot of inquiries for advice.

Internet dating is one obvious option, whereby you can meet them well in advance of your arrival and develop the relationship over that time. However, ladies with a photo and profile on-line usually have a lot of guys hitting up on them … need I say more? Also, you just don’t know about personality compatibility until you meet them in person, so should you put all your hopes into one lady?

For those who choose to try internet dating, I advise you to put up your own profile and wait for Thai ladies to go to the effort to contact you. Many mainstream Thai ladies don’t want to put their photo up on an internet dating site. Ask for their profile, and if they don’t have one or are shy to put up their photo or personal information, then that’s usually a good sign. However, do be aware that there are scammers who reach out to contact foreigners this way, and if you get serious about a lady then you may want to verify her background and current status.

An alternative is to meet mainstream ladies is in a commercial environment, such as sales and service ladies. It’s their job to talk with customers, but with a smile and genuine interest you can meet many of these ladies in one day. Only a small fraction may be available (no husband or boyfriend)and interested, but in a good long day at shopping malls and markets, you may be able to come up with a few prospects.

However, many sales ladies “use” guys just to make sales, so you must be careful, and at some point you could ask if they have a husband or boyfriend. If you can get their mobile number, then send an SMS or two. If they don’t reply, then cross them off your list. However, while it’s a good sign that a lady has a real job requiring real effort rather than making money on her back, do be aware that some sales ladies use their job to meet multiple men, and of course pretty ones will normally have multiple guys in pursuit.

If you choose to stick to your normal living and working environment, then usually, the initial contact does not happen for some time. I may be aware that I’m being watched, and make some subtle signals that I’m also watching (quite subtle and not pushy), but it takes time. The Thai ladies check you out carefully over time, such as whether your eyes look at a lot of other ladies in the environment, and of course whether you go thru a series of bargirls.

If you are outside your normal environment and/or it’s a one-time opportunity where you’ll probably never see each other again, then you must go for it somehow. If you’ll be seeing each other again, e.g., you see her at her fixed place of work or at a nearby residence, then the best thing is to give it some time.

A genuine smile is an absolute must. Thais know of many kinds of smiles just like many kinds of hearts. (Minds are another matter…)

Have you and your partner talking about what’s okay to do and what isn’t?

A Few Basic Rules

Each couple will be different in determining the rules of play when hard swinging, but here are some things to keep in mind or try for your selves.

Talk about your fantasies. Is your husband into watching two women, or are you ready to see your husband pleasure someone else? What do you really want to play out? Be honest when you talk with your partner.

This isn’t a bartering session; this is a time for you to lay everything out on the table to make sure that you aren’t hurting the relationship that you already have.

One of the worst things that you can do is not talk about the details ahead of time, and either feel pressured into doing something that you aren’t ready for, or watching your partner do something that you aren’t ready to see.

And talk with the other couple too. If you’re uncomfortable about fellatio or some other act, then say it.

You may even want to write out a sort of contract, and sign it.

Since you may not be in each other’s sight, knowing exactly what your partner will and will not be doing can set a beginner’s mind at ease.

Starting The Fun…

When you’re in the room with your new playmate, you want to try to make the scene comfortable. If you’ve talked ahead of time, this won’t be difficult.

You can start by talking or just moving closer to each other.

It’s amazing what a sexy environment can do as well. Maybe candles and incense can make for a sultry atmosphere, or maybe you just want to get down to business.

Start with exploring their body. Touch and feel each inch. Make compliments as you go, but don’t talk about comparisons. This moment is about the other person and making them feel special.

There will come a point when your bodies will figure out how to move with each other. Keep the other’s fantasies in mind.

Did they want you to try something in particular, or did they want you to surprise them?

If at any point you are uncomfortable or need to stop the festivities, then do so. Immediately.

This is not a game in the sense that someone wins and someone loses. You are working together to overcome sexual boundaries and fulfil fantasies. You both still have someone to go home with.

And if you want to continue the swinging relationship, you have to be able to trust each other completely.

At this point, if it’s been agreed upon, go ahead and have sex with the other person—careful to stay protected and safe. Savor the feeling of release of orgasm as you lie in someone else’s arms.

Strength in numbers?

When you talk to an experienced swinger, you will find that they didn’t want to try swinging for the sex, but for the experience. Their marriages may have been plenty strong going into the whole adventure, but one or both of the partners just wanted a little something different and new.

They didn’t love each other any less, but rather, they wanted to add another dimension to their relationship. And by making the decision together, they created a way to communicate with each other more openly and honestly, leading to overall better communication skills (outside sexual matters).

Why swinging isn’t cheating

One of the main concerns that couples struggle with is their mindset of thinking that swinging is cheating on their partner in some way. And this can be a deterrent for a while to act upon this fantasy. What makes swinging different from cheating is that the two of you have decided to share this experience together.

There’s nothing secretive about being with this other person. You know exactly what your partner is doing and you’ve talked about why. You’re hoping to share this new adventure with your partner—together. And this is why being open will make swinging even better for the both of you.

Saving a weak marriage

A counselor is the best way to save a weak marriage, not swinging. If you are having insecurities about your relationship, or just aren’t communicating as well, swinging is not a good fix. Swinging is best experienced by a couple that us able to talk to each other and share with each other.

And if problems should come up in the swinging process, then the couple must be able to work through them. And weak marriages are usually a sign of not being able to talk through certain issues.

Don’t complicate your relationship more. Work things out with each other before you add swinging to the already volatile mix. Swinging can provide just the ‘kick’ that your strong marriage needs, but it will not solve problems that are already present. If you’re able to work through issues as a couple and just want to experience more in the area of sex and fantasy, then swinging could be the answer to your dreams.

And there are plenty of places to research swinging. Bookstores so carry books on swinging and your local sex shops can direct you to local connections. Online swinging dating sites and other information sites can also answer any questions that you might have.

Start the open and frank discussions now to enjoy swinging in every way that you can. Doing the research together may also lead to some fun on your own.

Nothing takes the place of skin to skin contact, but we’re going to look at both to see what each can offer for you.

In Real Life

While even the thought of some physical contact can turn me on, swinging in person just can’t be beat, in my opinion. There’s something about the sights and smells of lust and pleasure that words can’t describe.

But some new swingers feel it’s a bit nerve-wracking to be personal so quickly, even though that is the point of it all—right?

Taking your time to get to know the other couple will help to assail any fears or insecurities that you have. Talk about things that aren’t related to sex until you get more comfortable.

Then you may want to start a short conversation on fantasies until you’re able to talk about anything. Being open and feeling trust for the other person is one of the most powerful aphrodisiacs.

When you’re going it alone without your partner for the first time, make sure to talk about what is going to happen before you get into the bedroom/club/hotel. The greatest mood-killer is surprise at first, but after some time, it’s the best mood-enhancer.

A little unknown is very hot.

Explore each other and give a lot of compliments, not only will you be swept up by the extreme beauty of yourself and the other person, but knowing that your partner is supportive will make your experience one to remember.

In my opinion, real is better, but online can also be exciting.

On The Web

But if you’re just not ready for a little IRL (in real life) fun, then take out that laptop and let’s see what we can do.

Many of the online swinger dating sites will give you the opportunity to talk to another couple via video. And because it’s a little more anonymous, you might feel that this is the perfect arrangement until you know the other couple better.

With the video, you can see how you interact with each other, not to mention, get to see how the other couple looks to you. Look at their bodies and their body language—it speaks much louder than the two-dimensional profiles.

You may want to act out fantasies for the other couple to show them what you’re looking for or they might want to see. Or do a little costume fun and fantasy at the holidays—be creative.

Not being able to touch is very erotic as well. The seduction of longing is powerful—even through a computer screen.

Sending pictures as well can be a way to express your sexuality through the computer screen. Keeping each other up to date and tantalized is an amazing amount of foreplay—really.

Whether you choose in person or online is up to you. Of course, one will definitely lead to the other. Click here for my own personal recommendation, which I can thoroughly recommend, based on price, reputation, quality of the interface, and the sheer number of other couples you can meet through it.

Although how you act is what drives the roleplaying, you need to look believable to pull it off.

Start by going to your local costume shop or thrift store to look for the perfect ‘ingredients.’ Have a general idea in mind of what you need—accessories and all. That is, if you’re looking to be a maid, you not only need the outfit, but also the apron and a feather duster (oh la la).

Make sure to try the outfits on before you buy them. You are trying to look good, and an ill-fitting costume might not make you feel the part as well.

A word on materials that are sexy—some people love latex and leather. Find out what your ‘victim’ might like and incorporate that as much as you can.

Of course, if you go to your local adult shop for your costume, you may find even more racy choices. Just don’t get too turned on in the dressing room.

The Temptation Begins

Understanding that you are setting a scene for a sexual encounter will give you great ideas to play it out as long as possible.

If you’re able, you may want to hint at your plans well ahead of the actual date. For example, you may want to send hints—i.e. a set of handcuffs or a cleaning rag. Of course, you want to be discreet about it as well.

If you talk ahead of time, you will want to leave small hints about your plans. This is sure to get their mind and their heart racing (among other things).

Stepping Out

Once you’re in the setting, you must begin the part. Have your partner for the evening move him or herself to the right location and then go change into your ‘gear.’

You may want to start some music as you walk out or whatever else might help to set the mood. Saunter out into view and begin your act.

Forget who you are for a moment and become a sexier version. Make sure that they are acting their part as well. Although succumbing to your charms will surely not be too terribly difficult.

Realize that in the end, you will be seducing the other person and that’s inevitable.

Understand That…

Not everyone will be the perfect acting accomplice in your roleplaying. And you may laugh or break out of your character.

But it’s like a muscle. If you keep trying, you just get better and better.

Realize that your fantasy or their fantasy might not work out perfectly the first few times, so talk about what could go better or what could be done to make it less humorous and more erotic.

Practice does indeed make perfect.