Honesty and openness are vital to a good relationship. However, they are not sufficient for a great relationship.

Other attributes such as being pretty or handsome, lovely, cute, charming, etc., are common and get the relationship started. However, over time, these traits fade in terms of motivation to keep the relationship going forward. If there aren’t some strong values and interests that you both have, then the relationship is doomed to either separation or unhappiness. (Some people value a trophy wife or subserviant maid, and if that’s enough for you, then disregard the rest of this.)

It’s my goal in this article to address the above issues in the context of having a Thai girlfriend. I know this article has a lot yet to be written on the cultural elements, but human nature is pretty much the same everywhere, and I wish to emphasize those elements which I see as key elements over and over with guys I know who have Thai girlfriends and wives, and issues I’ve had over and over myself.

By “relationship”, I don’t necessarily mean a wife. There are relationships where both sides find each other interesting and mutually benefit and learn for awhile. Some Thai ladies like to learn the foreigner ways, just as you may find Thai culture and its differences from your own to be interesting. Many Thai ladies also benefit from exposure to the lifestyle of a foreigner due to his higher spending power. They go to nice places for dining and entertainment, watch expat friends in action, and basically you’re a “walking farang entertainment center”.

But what’s in it for you?

• “Love” and affection
• Assistance in living in Thailand where you learn things (translations, explanations)
• Homemaking (laundry, shopping, good food), save you time and hassle
• Work – outside income or helps you with your business
• Intellectual input and stimulation (analysis from a different perspective, news, research, etc.)
• Sex
• Loyalty and security (especially during times of financial or other difficulty, though you might get dumped during financial hard times)

Homekeeping and work may be inversely proportional. If she works, then you should have a maid, though she should manage the maid if you live in Thailand.

The usual woman’s story is that her boyfriend/husband is a “butterfly” (“chao-choo”) and that’s why it failed. Blame the man. Save her own face. In Thailand, saving face is very important, and even if she’s not telling the whole story, maybe it’s better to accept being as the scapegoat and moving on. To do otherwise, and make her lose face, may be dangerous.

However, the question is this: If the man is a butterfly, then why? Is it his fault or her fault for him being unfaithful?

Maybe he’s a stupid man who just goes after young, pretty, sexy girls with little value for other traits. If so, then why does he want a girlfriend, as valuing sexual variety is incompatible with having a girlfriend. She’s also made a mistake in choice of mate. Notably, I don’t think that all the sex entertainment is too much of a temptation for a marriage, as a man really doesn’t get quality fulfillment from entertainment girls, and if he desires to partake, he really shouldn’t take them seriously, either, just a ****-and-forget fling for a couple of hours or so, and he’s stupid if he’s not discreet enough.

However, when it comes to a serious relationship on the side, often it’s her fault for not earning her mate’s loyalty.

Here is a common experience in Thailand: A man meets a lady. He gets serious because she expresses that she has common interests. He tries her out for a partner in life’s daily things, and she gets an opportunity. What happens?

Once she thinks she’s “got him” (after the first few weeks, maybe a month or so), she expects him to take care of her, while she does less and less to take care of him … or herself. She sits around watching TV, yacking on the phone with friends, and reading trash magazines. On Internet, she doesn’t do valuable things but wastes time on surfing elsewhere, e-mail with worthless friends and chat. Trivial fun is fine, and everyone does it themself just like everyone else. But not all the time. It must be mixed with worthwhile, fulfilling activities.

If I avoided this subject, or told people what they wanted to hear, then I wouldn’t be discussing Reality.

I’m not promoting prostitution, or Thai ladies, and I get no benefits from them. I have a guide to Thailand, and people are reading my website because they are already interested in Thailand. The Thai girlfriends section is just one section out of many about Thailand.

Third, this is the human experience, and consenting adults are free to do whatever they wish, as long as it doesn’t impose on anyone else. If you feel that you are being imposed on, well, it’s a big world and it is easy enough for you to go elsewhere to avoid this.

You can’t change the world to be what you want it to be. It is better to accept the things you cannot change, and be tolerant and understanding. This is one of the good things about Thai people which makes this country so nice — Thai people are tolerant. It is impolite to criticize and talk badly about people who are doing no harm to others. In the Land of Smiles, Thai people are understanding, compassionate, and not prone to arguments, relatively speaking.

I am a relatively nonjudgemental person. I try to understand the human experience and the great variety of people in this world, which includes what goes on in the expat concentration areas of Thailand. I try to help people. I have a background as an analyst. Also, I have a lot of compassion for people, and I try to understand a wide variety of people very different from myself.

Often, what’s right for me is not best for them, and vice versa, though I do try to understand others, and often in my work and social life I learn a lot vicariously. I like to learn and understand. I’m not going to tell other people how they should run their lives. That goes for both foreigners and Thais.

Yes, there are a lot of prostitutes. Most of them come from very poor backgrounds, mainly from “Isaan”, the poor northeast. Try living there. Try making it in this world with a farm background and the standard 6 year government education, at a country school. Try having the option of working on the farm or else for $100/month in a factory doing monotonous things for long hours 6 days a week.

If you don’t want the free market of prostitution to exist, then what are you doing to create an alternative solution?

I’ve also had my experiences with western high society “matrimonial prostitutes” and ladies “dating rich guys”, i.e., women who are attracted only to rich and successful men, both directly (though I never married one) and vicariously via many friends and associates. What’s the difference between that and having an ex-bargirl Thai girlfriend?

I’m not saying either one is bad. Different people have different options, and it’s all consensual between adults.

If some guys want to come to Thailand and have Thai lady, or many of them, that’s their choice, and the ladies’ choices. Most of the guys and most of the ladies are not so stupid and naive as to not know the basic risks, consequences, and benefits of these encounters, though they may not fully understand what’s involved or each others’ cultures and behavioral norms. I try to help the guys understand. (Also, I help the ladies understand when I talk with them, but they don’t read English language websites, so I’d waste my time writing for them.)

Contrary to some complaints, I don’t think I encourage guys to do one thing or another. There are different ways to analyze one’s situation and options, and what a guy or Thai lady chooses to do depends mostly on their own values — what is important to them. Not your values. I’m not going to impose my values on them, and I think many of them would not think highly of arrogant, inexperienced and self-limiting critics.

Sure, I have my own opinions and preferences. A lot of that comes out in this website. You are free to have yours, too. But think twice before trying to impose your values on others.

Naming The Place

When you need to talk about something serious, you don’t go to a ball game or to the movies, do you? It really is all about location.

If you and your partner need to discuss something, then you will want to find somewhere that is quiet and private. The fewer distractions the better. Of course, restaurants are a nice way to give your selves a distraction in case the talk becomes difficult, but you will have to factor in the presence of the wait staff.

If you decide to talk at a restaurant, then I would recommend letting the waitress or waiter know that you have some important things to discuss and that you would like to be disturbed as little as possible.

They will understand and go to great measures to accommodate you—but only if you ask.

The quieter the setting, the less distracted you will be, so find a nice secluded corner. And then begin to talk.

If you wish to talk somewhere else, I would recommend a neutral setting. Perhaps there is a park nearby where you could take a walk.

These suggestions work great for all relationships as well as with the other couples and well.

The Importance Of Time

Finding a time where you will not feel rushed is also important to having a good couples swapping conversation. You don’t want to have anywhere to go when you need to talk.

Sometimes it might take some time to broach a difficult subject, so you need to feel free to wait until you are ready to say what you want.

You will also want to set up any childcare conditions to support the large timeframe. Be sure to let the sitter know that you aren’t sure when you will be back, but will call when you know when you will be leaving.

Give Everyone A Turn

There’s an old book that talked about handing a shell to everyone when they wished to speak. Although you don’t need to use a shell, you want to make sure that everyone has a chance to talk without being interrupted.

You can do this by starting off with one person. This person will talk until they feel that they are finished and then another person will talk. This continues until everyone had said what is on their mind.

At this point, you can begin to react to things that other people said in a gentle way. Accusations or harsh words will not help in a difficult situation.

Listen Up

Making sure that you understand the person who is speaking is the key to creating useful dialogue. Repeat what they have said if you’re not sure about something. Perhaps they can clarify their meaning.

Actively listen before you figure out what you are going to say.

When You’re In The Shower

You will want to take a shower because a bath might make you sleepy for the rest of the evening—and you don’t want that.

Before you get into the shower, make sure that you have a razor, shaving scream, face soap, and anything else that you normally need. With everything on your mind right now, you don’t want to have to keep getting out for things that you have forgotten.

Wash your body very carefully first. You can scrub with one of those poofy sponges and some bath gel for a light, clean scent. You will want to use lukewarm water so that your skin doesn’t dry out too much.

Wash your hair carefully and don’t use too much conditioner. If your hair is generally clean to begin with, you may even want to skip this step. Hair that is slightly dirty is much easier to style.

After you’ve been in the shower for a while, you’re ready to shave. Shave your legs completely and don’t forget the underarms. Of course, you can omit these steps altogether for personal preference.

Another Shaving Question

Most women want to know if they should shave their private area completely.

This is completely up to you and your comfort level. One thing to note is that if you’ve never done it before this night, it will not end well. This skin is very sensitive and you could end up with a nasty rash.

If you are planning on giving it a try, you will want to start the process out a few weeks a head of time. Start by trimming the hair down and then go ahead and use a razor, depilatory, or wax (ouch). Or you can go to a salon to have this done.

A lot of men like the ‘bare’ approach, while other men prefer a half and half layout. It’s interesting to note that the less there is, the more excited you can get. Just a thought.

Dressing It Up

Get out your best lingerie ladies. This is the time for the ‘fun’ stuff that’s been sitting in your drawer. Or maybe you want to buy something special for the occasion. A nice bra and panty set is best.

Wear a nice outfit that is revealing, but in a classy way. You may feel comfortable showing a little cleavage, but you may want to keep it subtle when you’re wearing a short skirt.

Makeup Or Not?

Since it’s going to be an exciting night, you do want to put a little makeup on to make yourself look fantastic. Like the clothes, you will want to play up your best features.

A nice dark lipstick (if it looks good on you) is best with softer makeup on the rest of the face.

You may also want to consider waterproof and smudge resistance makeup to keep the look on until you get home.

You can either do a search online or in your local phone book to see if there are any swinger clubs near you. Of course, if you’re in a smaller town, you may need to head to the big city for a little fun.

You and your partner may also want to investigate at the local adult themed stores to find out about private swinger events.

It’s not that local swingers are ashamed of their lifestyle, but other co-workers may not be so accepting so clubs allow them to experience other couples without being ‘discovered.’

You’ll want to contact the event planners or the club itself to talk to the owners before you just head over. Some places have rules that they like to go over and questions that they may want to ask.

And they’ll want to ask both of you, so you should both be ready to talk.

There may be dress codes or a theme for the evening. This is also a great opportunity to ask any questions that you might have as well.

This call is simply to weed out anyone that doesn’t suit the club’s atmosphere. And since they’ve probably been holding functions for swingers for a while, they have a good instinct about those that won’t fit in.

Swingers clubs are a great way to interact with a select group of people without the fear of having your personal information revealed. You don’t have to reveal your names if you don’t want to, so any wife swinger stories that may happen won’t get out.

There are also staff members for security as well as people who can answer any questions that you might have.

The clubs are usually fun places with lots of conversation pieces to get couples talking, while also allowing some darker corners for more intimate interactions.

Dress nice and be open to what happens around you. Many first timers like to just watch the activities around them; see what the club is all about.

Another great concept that most clubs employ is a no-pressure policy. So if you don’t want to do something, then you don’t have to. And no one should try to talk you into anything.

Of course, the key is that it’s strip TEASE, so keep that in mind as we talk about what you need to do—men and women both.

Getting Ready

When you’re thinking about doing a little ‘show,’ you want to consider what you are wearing from the inside out. What you’re going to end up in after the rest of the outfit is removed is the key.

Pick out something that the other person is sure to like. Maybe they’re shared a fantasy with you. Keep that in mind.

On top of that, you will want to find a nice ‘costume’ to wear. Maybe you’re starting out as a cop or a meter maid. Whatever you choose, be sure to accessorize it and ‘sex’ it up a little. Wear thigh high stocking and a garter belt if you’d like.

Guys can just wear something tight and figure flattering. And find something other than your everyday undies. G-strings aren’t necessary, but something a little tighter is delicious.

Pick out music that you know will be enjoyed—or find something from an erotic movie with a good tempo.

Doing The Dance

Since you’re aiming to please, figure out what will please the audience ahead of time. But if you can’t do that, listening to the reactions during the tease will help you move to the right beat.

Turn on the music and move your body. Move your hips and your legs. You can choose to keep your eyes focused on the ‘customer’ or you can close your eyes and drift into your own world.

You don’t have to be a professional dancer to be good. The fun is in the stripping itself.

You can either stay away from the person, or begin to rub on them like a lap dance. Tantalize them as long as they can stand it.

Stripping 101

When it comes to the actual stripping, you need to do more than just take off your clothes. This is all about drama and teasing.

Slowly remove each article of clothing. The more you have on, the better, because then the dance can last for a while. However, you don’t want to have so much on that you’re boring your audience.

Take off insignificant pieces of the costume first—gloves, hats, etc.—or remove them between other, more substantial items—shirts and pants.

You can slowly remove a belt and unzip a zipper for a great effect.

Dancing in your lingerie or well-chosen underwear will be the climax.

And what about when you’ve run out of clothing?

Perhaps you can ask the ‘audience’ if they want the special show. Slowly remove the rest of your covering and stop the music.

Another show starts now. Of course, that’s assuming that the audience could even make it until then. A lot of ‘strippers’ get their clothes ripped off ahead of schedule.

As we’ve talked about before, some of the best foreplay is in the setting itself, so make sure that there are candles lit, and every arrangement has been made for an interrupted evening of bliss.

Feeding The Fire

One of the ways to get the night started is to feed each other. While eating isn’t always the sexiest thing, being served can be.

If you’re two couples, you can reverse roles. The women can feed the men, or vice versa. Do this slowly so that you can look into each other’s eyes. Try to signal your intentions for the evening, and let the other know how excited you already are.

Chocolate dipped strawberries are a decadent treat.

You can also offer each other drinks or other light snacks. Food has a way of calming us and getting us ready for deeper contact.

You can also put the morsel of food in your mouth and offer it to someone else, but they have to take it without using their hands. Delicious.

Turning On The Evening

While I don’t suggest this for anyone that hasn’t already propositioned it, watching a sexy movie can be a great way to introduce a sexy mood.

Find one that appeals to everyone and something that isn’t too corny so that you’re laughing more than you’re becoming aroused. You may want to make suggestions among yourselves and then pick a few in case they don’t end up working out.

Dim the lights and watch the action. Perhaps you’ll want to copy the actors as you watch. Let the darkness cover any nervousness.

Starting With Your Comfort Zone

Another great way to start a little foreplay seduction is to take turns showing affection to your partners. With your own partner, kiss, touch, and caress them. Show them how much you love them and their faith in your relationship.

Then the other couple can do the same. Before you know it, you will all be enjoying each other at the same time.

Now, switch.

Try A Game

There are plenty of ‘dirty’ games out there that you can buy and play together. Try a naughty card game or striptease poker. Not only are these erotic, but they also can relax you into a seductive state.

And add in a lot of sexual innuendo and every ones in the end.

But this is just a sampling of things that you can do as foreplay. Of course, you can come up with your own versions of these appetizing starters.

Or if the heat is just right, you may not make it through them.

When you’re first starting out though, I highly recommend doing something to get the evening started in the erotic tone. Start with the usual conversation and dinner, if you’d like.

Then move to somewhere more comfortable and let the fun begin…